Floods again...

Nov 26th

the last 2 days have been pretty grim- the power was out- it had been raining heavily- the water levels had been rising fast- there were breaches at several areas- and they say many places are still at risk because of the force of the waters- every time the skies darkened, I was praying… many colonies have been inundated and totally cut out- trichy is marooned - train and bus services have come to a stand still- no schools, offices-

Thankfully our colony has been spared yet again- but those that have been affected are in a really a terrible situation- I dont know whats happenning- people have been cooped up in lofts of homes- old people and people with babies…people abandoning their homes and going off to other places- roads have just dissappeared and water has taken over…fast flowing, muddy water everywhere- y’day nite, power has been restored- but our land lines are not working-

we were to have a family function at grandmother’s tomorrow- but had to cancel becos of the flood - it was really scary … some colonies were totally cut off- hubby and friends were going around seeing if they could help people- but officials have been pretty conscientious and help and rescue operations have been in full swing-
we too had gone to see the kaveri in spate- the sight was amazing - the whole bridge was crowded with people- and people were just crowding to watch open mouthed- I saw a very old lady with walking stick being helped by relatives- she also wanted to see Kaveri- the locals helped in piling sand bags at Amma Mandapam- the banks of the Kaveri- they have cordoned the area off with ropes- becos people were just going to the edge to look- the statue there was almost submerged- and so was the church near by…water was seeping thru the sand bags- onto the streets - the force and momentum of the water was unbelievable! the unbearable part was seeing just the roofs of huts, houses- and inmates holed up in the upper stories of their homes- with no access - "saappattukku enna pannareenga" ( what’re u doing for food?")somebody was screaming to someone peeping from a window…

i saw vessels floating-cant bear to think abt these people …people are just sitting with their belongings on road sides- below the water tanks, in the marriage hall near by - just sitting with vacant looks- and two buses were washed away - bodies are being recovered…

I’m trying to just switch off thoughts and images - one feels the need to have some kind of superior Power to ask to set things right- but in the face of so many natural disasters one after the other-in different parts of the world- one just feels everything is so futile- I mean what has to happen just happens- some are spared- and others well…

Thank u to all those who reached out to know if we were ok…

For a Friend...

Nov 24 Now there is this friend whom I got to know in the virtual world…we’ve met once, and I remember how – we did not get talking much, but then I could sense a feeling of friendship- we were both a bit shy about venturing to talk, but it felt like we knew eachother- we don’t write very often, but still I can feel the undercurrents of mutual concern and affection.

The other day, she called me because she knew that I was feeling down- she did not have my number, and so she called up a couple of friends- and got my number and called me- now the best part is that I “knew” she wanted to reach out- I got the “feeling” earlier-but I did not tell her that when she called because it sounded too uncanny-

Though we kind of skimmed through niceties- and the how’re u – hope u’re feeling better, and there were these moments of silences interlaced- but comfortable silences- Like there was communication without words- it was like we were conversing parallely using silence. I don’t know if she felt it too- but I wouldn’t be surprised if she did.

We may meet eachother perhaps again, and I don’t know if we’ll get the time to go beyond the “how’re u’s”- and catching up with the superficial – and yet I know that inspite of this there is this invisible feeling of friendship bonding us and I’m content with this awareness…

I don’t know if she’ll be reading this, and even if she did, perhaps she might wonder if it is her that I’m talking about- still I’d like to tell her that which I might never tell her to her face- Thank you dear friend, for your friendship…and affection…I cherish it…

Reinventing myself...

Nov23

It is still raining-

I think I need to have another blogspot- an anon one- not that this place is frequented by many but still sometimes I need to rave and rant- and I need to do this with aplomb without the niggling fear that I might hurt somebody – I first started blogging to assume an anon persona, but slowly, a new persona evolved on its own and the few people that I got familiar with began associating a particular character to my name- and now I’m imprisoned within this image- and there are times when I want to trespass beyond the boundaries of this virtual persona-

I don’t usually have much to rant and rave about- I’m pretty contented with things as they are..but sometimes it so happens that I have so much to say, but I cannot speak out for fear that I might hurt someone- I’m obsessed about not wounding anybody- even when I get angry- so I just withdraw and seethe in silence- I cannot argue, I hate voices raised in conflict- so I prefer silence- and just because I listen in silence with apparent placidity, people do tend to go overboard – they get the impression that this woman will listen to just about anything and we might as well subject her to whatever it is that we’ve to say- it has happened to me umpteen times- the speaker gets carried away with the fervor of their opinions and they don’t notice how it might be affecting me- I’ve often felt that somehow my body language gives the impression that I need guidance- I need to be enlightened and most people – even those younger at times just go on a binge doling out advice, pointing to me how I’ve erred …Its been the story of my Life…
I’ve only me to blame, because I rarely summon the guts to inform them that they perhaps were mistaken- I keep thinking my words might hurt them- and then once in a way when I do explode when things get beyond my tolerance, then the whole issue gets so blown up out of proportion and again I end up feeling that I messed up- and I get labeled “over sensitive”!!

But the voices inside me continue to rage- Thankfully, I can confide in my MIL, amma and DH- and they mostly pacify my raging emotions- they’ve proved to be pretty good safety valves in the past, but sometimes I think the issue is too trivial to create a furore, and yet I want to express the various thoughts- and for this I resort to writing- even when I blog, I first write in my diary and then post it- it is very, very therapeutic and I feel fine…

Blogging to me is a way to cleanse my innermost thoughts- all the conflicts and clashes that collect like dirt...I do not have the courage to express my opinions to others clearly- I try to but when the other person is louder and more vehement, then I just go silent after a time- but the thoughts and words keep struggling to come to the outside- for this purpose I resort to blogging- after shifting to this place, there are very few readers, so that is also a sort of relief... i can be frank...I have this need to be honest, completely honest to myself - I feel stifled with the veneer of politeness that we have to adopt in daily life to avoid confrontations, to ensure peace...and blogging is the outlet for me- it gives me clarity of thought, it helps me sort out things within myself and then move on without pending accounts…

And seeing my thoughts crystallised into words on the coloured template on the monitor gives me a strange sense of high which eliminates all the negativity within me, and I’m at peace with the world :-)

Another rainy day...

Nov 22nd

The whole of today feels like Saturday and not Tuesday- its been raining all day- its grey and dull outside- there is a lethargy about the feel of the day, if you know what I mean- it has the typical weekend feel to it- the schools have declared holiday, but thankfully today my puttars in a more amicable mood- just minor squirmishes- now I should n’t be grudging them a few arguments and shrieks- so ok, no complains from me-

There is a family function coming up this weekend and its going to be a busy one- relatives will be coming down from Kerala- DH is busy with the organizing and the arrangements- the function is to be held at the factory premises- I don’t have much to do- but I expect guests to arrive at home on Saturday.

When I spoke to DH earlier, he seemed rather preoccupied- the rains had poured a damper – we have this ground in front of our factory, and just 2 days ago, we had loaded mud all over- and now it was one huge, slushy mess- what a sight when the guests arrive- and it was this that was worrying DH- what to do- we can just try to lay a row of huge stones to enable people to walk over the slush…

I just hope and pray that the function goes on fine without a hitch…

A Mother to her child...

November18th

My child!
You are growing up and I realize it with a mixture of emotions. While on the one hand I’m proud to observe the changes in you as you are on the way to becoming a young man, on the other hand, there is a pang in my heart- that precognition of the void to come when you finally find your wings. A mother’s predicament is strange, she wants her child to become a strong, independent, adult and yet somewhere it hurts.

You, you were my baby, you were born a long, long time ago- in my heart before you came into my lap- you were cuddled, fondled much much earlier_ I heard your gurgles much before you were actually born- you were nurtured and cherished in my dreams before you took form in my womb…
Your lisp, your cries, your sniffles are a part of my life than your’s- they are a part of my existence- memories that I shall cherish long after you have becom that adult with the withering look.

I realize that I might have nagged you, harassed you, tormented you with my rules and commandments- all I can only say it was with the best of intentions- Please don’t let those anger you against me, please don’t let the bitterness of those random moments make you hate me-

Remember the time when I’ve held you close, the times when I’ve smothered you with love, the times when I’ve wiped your tears… think of those too please…

My child, I’m just a human being with more flaws than perfections. My anger may have been misplaced at times- but then do you know that when you hurt, I hurt even more? There have been times when after a real bitter session of arguments and counter arguments- after all the seething subsides- and all have gone to sleep, I’ve come and sat beside you, gazing at your sleeping form- and I remember the times when you were a baby- your baby talk- a sigh escapes and I long to turn back time- or atleast freeze the present moment- I notice the faint stubble on your chin and I smile- my baby- is no longer a baby… sometimes I cannot recognize the voice that I hear…

And though at times,I seem impatient withyour long winding stories, I know I shall miss those most when you move on- I’m so happy that for now, you want to share your thoughts, ideas and dreams with me- forgive me the times when I shoo you away- I’m a frazzled home maker to with tasks and chores to complete…

Child, I ask nothing of you, when the time comes, I shall set you free- let the bonds that bind us not become bondages- you go ahead and seek your dreams- I wish you success, I wish you happiness to face your Destiny- I can wish, I can pray, but I can’t make your life- If I had my way, you would never falter, never fall- though I know that it’s the falls, the wounds and the scars that will make you stronger… You just go on ahead- and if you look back, if ever you need me, you will find your mother with her arms outstretched- my lap will always be waiting if you ever need to rest- my fingers will try to wipe that crease off your brow- and soothe your pain and worries-

And if I’m far away, even then when you need me, just close your eyes, and you will feel my touch, my love, my care, my prayers enveloping you…

I know how difficult it will be to let go off that finger that I’ve been holding, and just let you move on your own- and now I remember my parents, I understand, and feel their love for me- I realise how they must have felt when they let me go on…

Seventeen years together...

November13th 2005

This anniversary was a beautiful day… its been 17 years together for us…woke up with a feeling of basking in immense love, caring, togetherness- contentedness- gratitude…

We went to the rockfort temple- just the two of us- friends and relatives kept calling to wish us-
After breakfast, went to seek blessings of grandmother, and granduncle- went to v’amma’s friend’s place- she wanted me to sing for her sister- and I sang- I realise that my nervousness while singing has decreased considerably- thank God- otherwise I get so nervous that I cannot enjoy the melody-

in the evening we went to Ayyappan’s temple- I love going there- it is so serene.. then we went to the new shopping mall here- it was too crowded- ran into a lady whom I had seen 20 years ago- she was also a student of my Bharathanatyam Guru- we recognized eachother…it was nice
Then we went for dinner in a cosy rooftop place- it was a wonderful day…

ramblings...

Nov 10th

Does familiarity breed contempt? Why? Sometimes a persons gestures, expressions, mannerisms, the way the fingers move, the lips twitch can all get so irritating…grrrr
And then I look into the mirror- and when I see my own expressions when I’m not in th ebestest of moods- even my expressions, mannerisms are unbearable-
It is so difficult to remain thoughtful, kind, considerate, cheerful at all times…so much easier to just let go and have a blast…

Am scared of jealousy the most- I think it’s a very powerful and potent emotion and can invoke evil! Though I can understand feelings of envy, jealousy- I too have felt such feelings- but I can never understand behaving under the influence of such feelings- I think one should not give into the whims of such thoughts- just acknowledge, accept and then work on eliminating such thoughts- believing in Destiny and faith , I think helps in keeping such feelings at bay- I mean if one resigns to the idea that one gets what is in his/her destiny and nothing beyond that- then that’s it- no need to covet another’s happiness- material or emotional- whatever…

Wishing ill for another is one of the meanest instincts…

Empty threats

One evening,a few weeks ago, my younger son came home and told me that there was going to be a major earthquake around Diwali time- he had heard the news from school- I nodded sedately- and my elder son sniggered-

The following Monday, a flood threat was announced in Trichy and other areas in and around Tamilnadu. My younger son now said that they must have meant a flood and not an earthquake- he seemed happy that he had scored over his brother this time.

The flood threat was not due to local rains but because of the surplus inflow into the Mettur dam. The prospect did not quite register at first, but there was a vague unrest. On Tuesday morning, the power went out in the morning throwing my cooking plans awry. Not that I had any elaborate menu drawn out- but just enough to inconvenience me- I kept waiting for the power to be restored soon- but the wait went on and on…I modified my cooking plans in connivance with the electricity Board.

Schools and Offices were declared closed- now this predicament arouses mixed feelings in me- while on one hand it means no packing lunch boxes- it also implies that I would be exposed to war zone mileu within the home! No, my sons do not indulge in much of physical violence, but then they enjoy taunting and harassing each other that I go crazy. Anyways, I had no choice.

DH had gone to the factory, but came back by noon. Seems there had been a breach in the Melur sector threatening to submerge Srirangam. Panic was slowly creeping in some areas.

There is this little, dirty canal flowing behind our colony premises, and everybody was going to check out the water levels both by the canal and the Kaveri bridge. The bridge was teeming with people trying to get a glimpse of Kaveri in spate- eventually Police had to use force to disperse the crowd.

Meanwhile water had been rising at an alarming rate in some of the low lying residential areas, and people had to be rescued and evacuated to safer places by fire personnel.

Our colony, thankfully was not inundated. Everybody seemed to be in a kind of festive, adventurous mood. People were excited, curious and even amused but not afraid. Phones were ringing incessantly and relatives and friends were given updates about the water level intermittently amidst much joy. It was only when there were reports of how folks had been marooned completely in a neighbouring colony that there was a slight worry.

There is a surreality about impending danger. A failure to accept facts- atleast until stark reality stares one on the face. At some level, one keeps hoping, and looking out for reassurance.

Our neighbours on the ground floor shifted their valuables to our home which is on the first floor- the DIL of the house kept depositing the boxes and bags giggling embarrassedly. Our hall was overflowing with 2 TV’s. computer, music systems- and we threatened them that they would have to pay us rent for the safe keeping and not bat an eyelid if anything went missing. Actually they were the only folks who actually took any action in face of the flood threat. The other ground floor residents just got their things packed and ready…

However, the flood threat remained abstract and did not culminate into Reality.

And during the uncertainity of those days, I experienced fleeting moments of anxiety visualizing me drowning and shrieking out for my loved ones- tho I knew that was improbable, my thoughts did go to those people who have actually faced such crises in the wake of the recent hurricanes, the Mumbai floods- the panic filled moments of the faceless thousands-

Since 2000, there have been so many disasters, that I cant help wondering if the end of the world is nigh. According to the hindu scriptures, we are now living in the Kali Yuga- each yuga ends with a “Pralaya” – “The Deluge” which perhaps could imply any Natural calamity of gargantuan proportions. Something like the Tsunami perhaps- I still remember the sense of utter disbelief as I watched on TV, how the sea had washed away joggers in Chennai!! – and then as we surfed channels- the same ferocious situation in various parts of the world simultaneously- This couldn’t be happening- I thought!

There had been rumors of the world coming to an end several times in the past- one was, I remember in the year I was to appear for my Xth std Board exams ( ok- the year was ’82)- and my friends and me kept hoping the world would end before the exams commenced or atleast before the results could be announced. Our prayers remained unfulfilled – and we went on to write the exams and receive the not so satisfactory results.

Then there had been the skylab scare- which year was that- I forget. The skylab was falling- and was in the news everywhere those days- there was a vague panic- and finally it fell into the sea!

The Best Gift!

I had been feeling slightly melancholic that day- the climate was also very conducive to my state of mind- besides my elder puttar was burning with fever- and so the day had all the elements of a perfect bleak day! There was nothing in particular to look forward to- at that point I wanted nothing more than that my son recover fast- Moreover there was the flood alert too-

And then came the phone calls, followed by a blog and the ensuing wishes- from then on I was beginning to see the silver lining of the clouds- It is very difficult to remain untouched after such a thoughtful gesture- In spite of having read and still reading about how to try to look beyond the self, the ego, inspite of aspiring and trying my level best to arise above the ego- I found myself basking in the attention lavished upon me time and again by my friends- both Real and Virtual - and I’ve got to admit that its one of the Various Best feelings to bask in- I do miss it when sometimes there is a lapse, and so when on One day, one gets Dollops and Dollops of it- Well, how can I complain? And so I flung away without a care, the charade of equanimity that I’ve been painstakingly trying to cultivate and happily feasted on all the affection that came my way that day- and Was I grateful!

I’ve made several friends online- and some of them, I’ve been lucky to meet in real life too- and yet of late, there has been a marked decrease in terms of interaction quantitatively and qualitatively- and it had been dissappointing. I had been vaguely aware that most online friendships go this way- and yet, I knew I did not want to let that happen- now this is not always just in my hands- some of them reach out once in a way on their own, some of them respond when I reach out, and then there are those who do not respond even then- and that I confess hurts. The mail interaction had been prolific last year, which has now petered down to a trickle- a natural flow of online relationships- and so I miss the frequency and the warmth.

And so, on that one day, when I was overwhelmed with calls and wishes from so many friends- by mail, phone- and online msgs- Well, I could not have asked for a Better b’day Gift…and I’m grateful…